I should start by saying in advance that this post may offend people, especially those whose names I have used. I am not going to change names becuase it makes things confusing, and everyone knows I do not have a “sally” or “Jane” as a friend and this blog is not a textbook used in school, where one of every type of person has to be used to be politically correct. I also want to add that every friendship means and has meant a lot to me and every person I come in counter with holds a special place in my heart no matter what. I do not want to come across as a bitch, or mean, or anything like that. In fact, if there is something in here that one of you names I have used in here has a problem with, feel free to call me. Talk to me. I feel like what is about to be posted, is probably being posted due to lack of communication. I do not apologize for my heart. I do not apologize for being hurt. I am not looking for apologies either. If you are not sorry, dont fake it.

In my opinion, friendships hold a higher value than relationships until one is ready to say “I Do” and that the man who holds ones heart is more amazeballs than even the frienships one has had since preschool. Even then, I believe a girl would do anything or bend the rules in a relationship to make sure that her girlfriends are always put first. How many relationship movies include girls night outs where the girlfriends are having a blast at the mall while the husbands hold the bags? case closed. This being the case, the word “Love” means more to me when a friend of mine says it, over when a boy says it. Maybe I am baised because I have yet to be in a serious relationship but when a friend says “Bee I love you” I take it seriously. I have heard “I love you” in that high pitch happy friend voice by so many people who have only used it to crush me and leave me crying at night. Hannah S., Taylor, Jill, Katie B., Joanna S., Rachel R., Gabbie M., I mean the list goes. I realize that everybody is going to hurt everyone, and that nobody is perfect. I totally and 100% get that, and I also admit that I am NOWHERE near perfect. I also understand my flaws. But let me ask this. When I went to GCU in april to visit and was asked to leave campus, where were those people who said “I love you?” didnt you mean it when you said it? Than why was I sitting alone at starbucks for 6 hours while I was less than one mile from you? Katie B even drove through the drive through of starbucks while I sat there and watched. Jill, and Katie L, didnt even have class that day and yet I sat alone. Too much homework? That is no excuse when I am sitting at starbucks. Come do homework, its a coffee shop. Hannah S, she was amazing and opened up her home to me when I had nowhere to go, but she wasnt nice about it. I have never seen her more mad or annoyed than when she was in the coffee shop that night with Natalie and Kelli and mikala when I had nowhere to go. Kelli even suggested I go to a hotel. Really friends? Really? Katie L, said before I even got there that if anything happened I could stay at her house. What happened there? She even got mad when things didnt work and I apologized and said “Im taking this into my hands” and was happy about that. Hello. Im actually not sorry its inconvienant becuase it wasnt anybodys fault, but dont tell me you will do something, and than get mad when I ask you to. Dont offer, I wont expect it. I am sorry I am not Lizzie, or Gia. becuase god knows, if this were to happen to them, you would have friggin built a house for them to stay in. The whole April situation hurts me more than anything. I feel like I mean nothing to everyone at gcu who said “I love you” and their actions spoke so loud I couldnt hear the words.

I know fully what it feels like to have a sick friend. everyone knows about the relationship I had with Bailey up until she died. Taking the time out of my day and life to be in the hospital. I had to realize that she was a normal girl but could not do everything. I had to spend most of our friendship in the hospital doing crafts and watching movies so many times I recited even the ones I didnt want to. I am so thankful for the friends that came to the hospital when I was there. I was so glad that every time I was in the ambulance I could look behind and see a car following, even when I was out of it, there was the comfort that someone was there. But NEVER in my life would I imagine losing so many friends becuase of an illness. Just like Bailey was still Bailey, I am still me, reguardless of the epilepsy. I understand that things can become inconvienant. I understand that not being on campus and being in the hospital makes it harder to see face to face, but the comments, the unfollows on twitter, the de friends on facebook, and the fights I got in over passing out, has been unbelievable. I had multiple RA’s at GCU rumor about me “having seizures for attention” or “using seizures to get what I want out of people” first of all, NEVER would I use an illness to get what I want. I would NEVER use people for sympathy either. I dont expect support from people, but to not get it from “Friends” is absolutely one of the most painful things I have ever had to experience. Knowing friends “Forgot” to wear purple especially friends like Hannah S, Jill, Katie B, Rachel R, Jamie, and even my own parents on purple day is the most hurtful thing. How hard is it to wear purple one day out of the year, especially when it was ALL OVER the social media. I am in no way unthankful for those who did. I found out more support from my own home town existed than I ever would have imagined including moms who I babysit posting pictures on facebook of not only them, but their kids strutting purple for epilepsy awareness. The love I felt from those who did was so so so great. But the hurt I felt from my “Best friends” who “forgot” is what stands out. I feel like I lost so many friends through an illness I needed more in. I am excited for epilepsy to be behind me, but the friends who I lost during this cannot expect me to come back, becuase its “convienant”

I hate the people who know they are wrong, and than instead of saying sorry and moving on, they try the “kill you with kindness” method. It is like, I am not allowed to be hurt. Let me hurt, and than move on, instead of messing with my emotions. Stop making me happy, as a mask that will eventually fall off and I will pop. I love when people do nice things. I just hate them when they dont come from the heart. If you dont want to do something nice, just dont do it. I hate the fake niceness more than I hate someone being mean to me. Just be mean, be real, be yourself. Fake personalities make fake friendships.

sorry for the complaining. Sorry for all of it. Sorry for being unconvienant. but I guess in all, I am going back to GCU… And dont be nice to my face and expect me to be happy to see you, when I spent so much time alone. Also, those who came to california for any reason and didnt tell me. Fuck you.

I feel like at this time (May) of every year another decision is made about school. At this time two years ago I was preparing myself for NAU. Having just graduated High School with the gpa I worked so hard for, and nursing major on the brain bouncing out of this town seemed like the most logical thing to do. Last year at this time, this date exactly I was at GCU getting my anticipated tour of campus and signing up for my classes, while hanging out with my friends Kia and Katie at the Brothel (not literally but that is what Kia’s house was named) putting up the most intense frame wall and learning how to make a nasty gluten free, dairy free, pizza..which in the end did NOT work out. Now I sit here on my porch at home in SLO sipping on an iced coffee going through old pictures (like the one above) thinking “what happened?” How does school never seem to work out and its always a new medical problem. I got reaccepted to GCU and I have had a lot of feedback from friends, some good and some bad, and I cannot decided whether or not to do it. Is the reason of my previous leaves not medical problems at all but the fact that I let everyone elses opinion influence what I do? I am always listening to the voices of my friends and following exactly what I hear and not looking at every situation as a whole and really asking myself “can I just push through this?” instead of hearing a friend say “maybe you should be closer to home” or “california > arizona”… through all of the school things from the day I graduated until now I have realized who my friends are, who are not, and a lot about myself. I learned my strengths and weaknesses in my walk with christ, personality, and the things that others do not like… but I think this time around, I am going to push through, keep my mouth shut about a lot of things, and not let anything get into my way of being a pediatric oncologist. I am still Brittany, and I still smile at just about everything, but this time, a lot of opinions I got before, I am going to let roll off. Not in a bad way, but school will happen, I wont run away, and in a few years, I will be saving lives in a childrens hospital. Thank you Jesus, thank you so much for the heart I have, the friends you have blessed me with, and a second shot at a school I can and will handle, and the hard head to get me there.

The date is May 1st 2012. Today is entering the 17th month since my very first seizure back in 2011. Ok ok I guess I cannot really say “back then” because looking “back” it has only been just over a year, but everything compact into these months makes it feel like ages. Right now I am sitting at work, yup, I can tumblr at work, but the good news is thatI am at work!Something my neurologist told me I would not be able to do for a long time. Since January of last year I have been hospitilized 5 times, had 1 surgery, 3 EEGs (the last one causing the hair loss from the glue), 6 MRIs, weekly blood draws (more for hospital times where it was drawn daily), 4 full body scans, 9 different medications (all but one causing allergic reactions), so many seizures I cannot count, the loss of my license, told I was unable to swim, surf, use the oven, be on stairs alone, unable to work or babysit, unable to be alone, steroids which caused mood swings, extreme muscle pain, depression, weight gain, tiredness, and hunger, the loss of Grand Canyon University and school all together, and so many other changes I do not want to bore you with… but as of right now, after 17 months (I say 18 becuase next month its official to get my license back)I AM SEIZURE FREE!!!!!!!!!Yesterday at my regular check up with the neurologist I was given permission to be me again! By law you cannot get your license back until a certain time so that is the only thing I cannot have yet but I can work, play, babysit, be alone, and the best partI FEEL BETTER!Things like not being sore, having more energy, having the urge to get out of bed in the morning, reading and remembering what I read, not being shaky writing, things I had gotten used to and forgot what it felt like without are gone! This did not happen over night, I didnt wake up yesterday and say “I feel good” but I definitely have noticed recently what it feels like to be healthy. Yesterday I walked into the gymnastics place I “work” in quotes meaning I work but am monitered and not alone and only the “assistant” coach, and a 3 year old looked at me and said “Brittany! You look normal again!” and if any of you have been with kids, you know how brutally honest they are, and they notice things that some people dont. I noticed while spotting a back hand spring that my fingers didnt hurt, and that the strength in my right arm was back to normal. It is a little weaker since I hav enot been able to use my arm normally since January, but I was able to completely hold a flailing girl learning a gymnastics move. I didnt realize exactly how weak my right side had been until I was able to hold the girl with no struggle. I may have been more excited about that than the girl was about moving up a trick. I have had a love/hate relationship with my last few months of crafting, sleeping in, constant doctor visits, blood draws, and scans. I have not minded having more time to read my bible (which honestly I did not soak up like I should have), choose new outfits out of my closet, build things in the garage with my dad, learn to sew, get better at painting, build relationships with cheerleaders, and really appreciate the friendships I gained in arizona that were taken away when I was asked to leave GCU…But I am definitely glad to be “back to myself” and begin the next steps in my life. I had bad days, believe me when I say that through this I was bratty, tired, questioning God, and simply OVER IT… but in the end I came through the finish line with a big smile on my face and saying “I did it” I can now use this to be stronger, trust my Abba on a whole other level, go back and love on my friends for their support through the good and bad times, and pray that the seizures do not return. I will always have the name “Epilepsy” in my life, I will always have to be a little more cautious with things, making sure I sleep, no alcohol, and I will have to adopt children and not birth them, but I will take that with pride and grace all at once in that through this, I cam be better. It is possible to overcome and defeat things people will put as a barrier in front of you. For everyone, the limits you have, can be greater if you just believe you can. Doctors told me that I would always have seizures and that the only way they could promise a “normal life” was a brain surgery with only a 50/50 chance of survival but with persistance and a hard head I was able to find a medicine that stopped them all together and with no side affects. Listen to your heart and trust that God has a plan! Remember, no is an answer too. God is answering you, he isnt leaving you alone. I thought he was, he wasnt, he was just molding me. This probably isnt even the greatest challenge I will face in my life, but for now, he got me through. Today May 1, 2012. I am smiling, seizure free, and ready to take on tomorrow as Little Bee. The epilepsy warrior.

dallasclayton:

ADVICE ON HOW TO STAY YOUNG

Gotta love sitting in LA traffic! (Taken with instagram)

Headboard making, in leu of valentines day (Taken with instagram)

Accept for the fact that I have an iPhone, this pic looks like its from my moms era! (Taken with instagram)

Almond parable. (Taken with instagram)